Predicting Failure
Too many times I’ve easily given up on studying a given subject or pursuing a career path. I couldn’t see myself ever being as talented as the people before me who had succeeded. I figured they were born with their talent, and that was that. Eventually, this way of thinking bled into even the trivial things such as becoming better at a game I was playing or learning to cook for myself. I figured I didn’t possess the smarts to learn and master a strategy game and submitted myself to just playing for fun while forcing myself into thinking I’d never actually get better and to not want more. This habit I’d developed just one day, got incredibly, utterly, boring. It was boring to not soar higher just because I’d already failed before I began. And above all, wallowing in self-pity is not the life I wanted to commit myself to. So, I sat down and started to watch tutorials, read guides, and practice with the intention of learning from my mistake. And by no means did I improve overnight, but my mental sure did, and eventually one day, so did my skills. I’m now at a level I never thought I could have reached, cooking things I’d never imagined making, and publishing my writing into a sea of so many ridiculously brilliant writers.
I’m going to pursue my life in a way so that my younger self would be proud of where I am and my future self can look back with no regrets. The person who got too comfortable with being average easily became complacent with being below average. Even if it means I can only improve by 0.0001% at a time, I will continue to charge forward.
Blurry Starting Line
When I take a look back on my life, I spent a lot of time constantly waiting around. I figured once I graduated school, found a job, and hit the milestones I needed to – my life would officially begin and I would be happy. A zombie at times and a weeping mess at others, I was either pushing my feelings so far down I moved numbly to the rhythm of my daily routine or curled up under a blanket, crying the night away. Day by day, year by year, in the blink of an eye, my life had passed me by. By the time my tears had dried and I had took a real look at the mess I’d left myself in, my childhood was long behind me.
With crumpled tissues and tear-stained pillows in its wake, my days of pining for the same boy for years on end and the string of unrequited crushes came to an end. I’d decided to finally throw in the towel instead of waiting for years on end for a boy to like me back. So, I threw myself into finally taking care of myself. Instead of neglecting my health and pouring all my time into people who I came last to, I had a taste of what it meant to love myself. I learned the complex math behind makeup, took a leap into leaving my safety net at home to study abroad, and embraced the new quietness of being alone. Strangely enough, it was then that love found me at the time I least expected it, and, who wouldn’t fall for a beautiful girl that tumbled into my life and showed me a kindness that I’d never had? But, my story didn’t end there. No, that’s when my story really began. Instead of the happily ever after I’d grown so accustomed to seeing at the end of a fairy tale – the perception of my reality shattered. Things I’d once been so comfortable suddenly became unbearable. After all, that was the side effect of my new appreciation for living in the moment and feeling more alive than I’d felt in years. Eventually, everything I’d been holding in and ignoring came pouring out of me.
The Next Step in my Character Arc
A lot of the anguish from those years spent cooped up in my room ruminating over futile issues at home and friend betrayals reflected in my writing. In fact, it took up so much space on those pages, looking for any good memories there was like searching for a needle in a haystack. I wish I’d journaled more of those memories that now lie forgotten.
But, I can’t spend the next decade of my life mourning those lost memories, so I’m going to begin this year trying something new. The memories that I’ll want to reminisce about in 15 years, the good, the bad, and everything in between, will be etched here in my permanent entries.
Trajectory
See, I’ve spent too much of my life waiting for my Day 01 to start. But there really is no Day 01, is there? Everything is already set in motion, and I will work with what I have now. With that being said, this is my Day 9125 and I look forward to this new journey.
I’m not 100% sure the tone or direction of my entries yet if I’m going to be honest. I do know it will be a stories of things I’ve read or watched, places I’ve gone, and the people I share my time with.
Thank you for your time and see you next week!
Signing off,
pandaxduckie
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