Author: pandaxduckie

Over the years, I’ve come to lose quite a few close friends. Some of them ended in one of those big fights, the ones neither of us could ever really come back from. Others had ended one random day after we both simply stopped putting in the effort and overtime, we grew apart. And worst of all, some of them ended when just one person decided to leave without saying anything. No closure. No goodbyes. No resolutions.

What No One Else Saw

I’ve always been afraid of being vulnerable with my friends. It always felt like a risk too high to take because if one day we weren’t friends anymore, it would mean I’d left an important piece of myself out in the world, unprotected. So naturally, I closed myself off emotionally and let myself hurt in secret.

Ever since I was young, I was the type to be hurt often and easily by things people would say. As a result unbeknownst to them, my friends and family had a lot of power to hurt me. I’ve spent too many hours crying until my voice was hoarse and my eyes were swollen. I did it that time in Canada, in the back of some stranger’s car, after a “friend” had cussed me out. I did it again last week, a block down the road from the house where my mom’s brother proudly repeated the f slur. And I did it just two days ago, three and a half hours from home, with the new found realization that the friends I thought I’d had, really weren’t my friends at all.

The Art of Forgiveness and Forgetting

No matter how many times my friends and family had hurt me, I had always come back to them as if nothing had ever happened and pretend I was okay. I figured having a difficult relationship with them was better than a life without them. I figured at the end of the day, I was the only one who got hurt – I could just forgive them and forget anything had ever happened. But even with all my efforts, these people still continue to hurt me to this day. And some other people have decided to not be apart of my life anymore over a conflict they’d never even bothered to communicate. If all these people can put themselves first, why, why, why have I been so okay with putting myself second to all of them? How was I ever okay with forgiving people who had slept peacefully at the end of the day after deliberately hurting me? For the first time in my life, I’m going to put myself first. This week, it meant letting go of a thirteen year friendship that has caused me lots of pain, it meant severing ties with someone who was once my family, and it meant breaking down my fantasy to look at my “friends” for who they really are. For the first time in my life, I’m making the choice to not forgive you.

The End

The closing of this chapter on my life isn’t quite how I imagined it would play out. But life certainly won’t always be perfect and maybe one day at the end of my story it will be a painless fond memory.

Thank you for reading!

Signing off,

pandaxduckie

Weekly Review

Korean Drama –

Melo Movie [멜로무비] (8/10)

Chinese Drama –

The First Frost (10/10)

New Restaurants –

The Daily Catch Brookline (5/10)

Paris Creperie (10/10)

Repeat – Ruth Bader Cinnaburg, Blueberry Soda

Not Again – Berrie Antoinette, Stark Chocolate, Matcha Latte

Source Restaurant (8/10)

Repeat – 3 Topping Pizza

References

First Photo

First Video

Second Photo

A Fitting Poem

Predicting Failure

Too many times I’ve easily given up on studying a given subject or pursuing a career path. I couldn’t see myself ever being as talented as the people before me who had succeeded. I figured they were born with their talent, and that was that. Eventually, this way of thinking bled into even the trivial things such as becoming better at a game I was playing or learning to cook for myself. I figured I didn’t possess the smarts to learn and master a strategy game and submitted myself to just playing for fun while forcing myself into thinking I’d never actually get better and to not want more. This habit I’d developed just one day, got incredibly, utterly, boring. It was boring to not soar higher just because I’d already failed before I began. And above all, wallowing in self-pity is not the life I wanted to commit myself to. So, I sat down and started to watch tutorials, read guides, and practice with the intention of learning from my mistake. And by no means did I improve overnight, but my mental sure did, and eventually one day, so did my skills. I’m now at a level I never thought I could have reached, cooking things I’d never imagined making, and publishing my writing into a sea of so many ridiculously brilliant writers.

I’m going to pursue my life in a way so that my younger self would be proud of where I am and my future self can look back with no regrets. The person who got too comfortable with being average easily became complacent with being below average. Even if it means I can only improve by 0.0001% at a time, I will continue to charge forward.

Blurry Starting Line

When I take a look back on my life, I spent a lot of time constantly waiting around. I figured once I graduated school, found a job, and hit the milestones I needed to – my life would officially begin and I would be happy. A zombie at times and a weeping mess at others, I was either pushing my feelings so far down I moved numbly to the rhythm of my daily routine or curled up under a blanket, crying the night away. Day by day, year by year, in the blink of an eye, my life had passed me by. By the time my tears had dried and I had took a real look at the mess I’d left myself in, my childhood was long behind me.

With crumpled tissues and tear-stained pillows in its wake, my days of pining for the same boy for years on end and the string of unrequited crushes came to an end. I’d decided to finally throw in the towel instead of waiting for years on end for a boy to like me back. So, I threw myself into finally taking care of myself. Instead of neglecting my health and pouring all my time into people who I came last to, I had a taste of what it meant to love myself. I learned the complex math behind makeup, took a leap into leaving my safety net at home to study abroad, and embraced the new quietness of being alone. Strangely enough, it was then that love found me at the time I least expected it, and, who wouldn’t fall for a beautiful girl that tumbled into my life and showed me a kindness that I’d never had? But, my story didn’t end there. No, that’s when my story really began. Instead of the happily ever after I’d grown so accustomed to seeing at the end of a fairy tale – the perception of my reality shattered. Things I’d once been so comfortable suddenly became unbearable. After all, that was the side effect of my new appreciation for living in the moment and feeling more alive than I’d felt in years. Eventually, everything I’d been holding in and ignoring came pouring out of me.

The Next Step in my Character Arc

A lot of the anguish from those years spent cooped up in my room ruminating over futile issues at home and friend betrayals reflected in my writing. In fact, it took up so much space on those pages, looking for any good memories there was like searching for a needle in a haystack. I wish I’d journaled more of those memories that now lie forgotten.

But, I can’t spend the next decade of my life mourning those lost memories, so I’m going to begin this year trying something new. The memories that I’ll want to reminisce about in 15 years, the good, the bad, and everything in between, will be etched here in my permanent entries.

Trajectory

See, I’ve spent too much of my life waiting for my Day 01 to start. But there really is no Day 01, is there? Everything is already set in motion, and I will work with what I have now. With that being said, this is my Day 9125 and I look forward to this new journey.

I’m not 100% sure the tone or direction of my entries yet if I’m going to be honest. I do know it will be a stories of things I’ve read or watched, places I’ve gone, and the people I share my time with.

Thank you for your time and see you next week!

Signing off,

pandaxduckie

References

1. My Dear – Zhāng Yīháo
2. First Photo
3. Second Photo
4. Third Photo